The Trauma of Trauma

It's the morning and I just finished up a breathing exercise, a work out with 25lb weights I can barely lift or so I thoughts and now putting my clothes away thought I stopped to type my musings. I've been doing this all while naked so I can get use to being cold, this year, the cold will not home bound me, the previous years I was in Florida, annoyed, miserable but coming home with enough money to support my goals only I wasn't able to work on anything. Not the flip side, broke, able to work on everything but as the loop is the loop it means you'll stress and guilt over the entire process. This time I've decided to not engage with the loop anymore. After an anti-climatic "break up" of a friendship, after the many breakups of other friendships and relationships I got to thinking what is related to all those things. I want to say me, it's me, it's my fault, I should do better, calm down, hold back, shrink, shut up, put their needs before your needs. Then I figured it out, the loop is that I purposely shy away from my skills and talents to put others ahead, even when I'm at a low point, poverty or other wise. And I can't figure out if I have this expectation that it pays off. Paying off isn't quit what I'm looking for but perhaps I have had a bit of misinterpretation of what it means to be compassionate. Too much exaggeration of generosity means I'll eventually wither up and I've withered and bloomed more times than I care to admit. And it seems that it's been for all the wrong folks. I've been taking up a new way of going about things, maybes it the old way that I was going about things that was working before I let my "love life" attracted me snakes instead of doves.

A Tale of Two Traumas.

1 Being in Love

1 Being in Friendship

I have guilt over feeling like there was nothing I could do for friends, I've had a friend kill himself and even up to this month I have lost a friendship in trying to prevent another disaster. Various female friendships have ended over a dude usually, me preventing what I wished people would have prevented for me.

I have sympathy for the devil, the devil being a man with charm and flaws. I have flaws? So like two flawed people shouldn't judge each other and just accept those flaws and that makes for a good relationship? What? A Man child...sure we can 50/50 even though my 50 is really a 70 moving into a 90. And now that my 90 has supported your 100 we should break up so you can be your best with someone else?

The stories we experience and the stories we're trying not to write about the people we barely know, the stories that create walls and barriers. But I had to really asses these situations, why these things actually ended and I won't write the details but it wasn't anything of my own doing nor anything I could prevent. There are other factors that I have blocked out and turned into something I did, some bleeding heart ordeal. SO...What do we do? Still we pick the path of kindness but still have the voice to tell people to fuck off.

Work on the stuff I want to work on. I also have this intense want to collaborate with folks, honestly it's kinda selfish because I just want to flex skill and ability and see other folks artwork brought to life in a different for they may never engage with.

That's all I got.

I think I've been able to tune myself to detect bullshit and bad situations a bit better. We will see where we are in another month or so. Do we make it through winter? Do we build up the great print business? Can we survive this oppressive political environment and make the world colorful and weird. The Answer has to be yes, we've been going at it for this long? I won't write any stories in my head about folks. I did kinda get caught up on something my former roommate said but it might have been a projection, "I don't like the way you talk to people" or something along those lines. I was cooking dinner last night and started wondering if I really do speak to people in some poor manner?

That's a musing for another time.