The Redemption of Man/Don't Want to Wake Up To Tomorrow

My attention span is wavering really hard and heavy today, I realized that I haven't been taking my supplements that function to keep it in check. For about 5 years or more now, I've been taking Genius Mushroom, sometimes I'll skip a few weeks on purpose just to make sure it keeps working but this time, I've just forgotten. Since working, my health wasn't super priority, I was either eating like trash or not eating enough. And really testing the limits of my sulfite allergy. I've been working on some homoerotic themed art, well I don't consider it homoerotic but the rest of the world would and I am doing these pieces specifically to submit to International Mr. Leather Juried Artshow. Whether I get it or not, I'm still glad to be illustrating somewhat. I started to doom scroll a little bit, a habit I really want to break and I've been breaking through various means by going back to other forms of entertainment such as movies, music videos and of course physical books. Kelly sent me Dark Side of the Ring, the one about Nick Gage, deathmatch wrestler from Philly and it's on the part about his brother jumping from the Walt Whitman bridge, and at the same time I see that Sam Keith has died and I look over at my wall and my a photo my friend took is there, he killed himself some years ago. Chuck Norris has died, politics or not, he was there in all our jokes and he did some epic movies. My great uncle died lately, he was cool. All kinda bums me out, I know we're all under the same magical light of mortality, some of us live longer than others, but ya know, sometimes you just have to feel sad about it.

"Don't Want to Wake Up To Tomorrow"

The date changed since writing this, I went to help a friend/old boss with some chores and discovered that he's really not doing well and I had to get away from him because I see his mortality. There's nothing I can do about anything, him, his attitude, his condition. I can help with whatever but he keeps losing and at some point, whether I was nicer or not, would his fate have changed. At some point a person has a responsibility to themselves....but I can't just standby if I see something wrong. Then it all gets put on me, that I didn't do something and if you lose this person, you'll ultimately fell guilty.

I was just moments ago, replacing the film on one of my 3D printers, I laughed about how I punctured the film, a silly mistake, a little mess, an easy fix and now it's printing right this moment. My cat Willow is wandering around the room looking for something to climb, I hear the clack of her nails, it's time to clip them. The world is dead silent otherwise, my neighborhood is so quiet, not even the sounds of air conditioners or cars. In the morning there will be birds and students and traffic but in this moment, there is nothing. I agreed to go with him to the hospital on Tuesday and I am already dreading it. I'm dreading hearing his disappointment that he cannot save himself through his means.

I got mad that he said he wanted to kill himself. It was the only reaction I could muster up and I hope he didn't notice. I don't think I'm doing my best these days.

But I'm back to drawing. Almost back to writing.

Trying my best to wrap my head around why social media is so miserable.

And that's all I got.