The Anger in Being Poor

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I've been kinda....upset lately.

After my break-up I kept a 4 bedroom house which at first I was very excited. my summer work was going well, things were tight but I was almost caught up and I became very determined to keep the place and make my studio and work. Then I had to miss 2 events for a doctor's visit, everything is behind, I'm paying rent late, and the job is so awkward in scheduling that either I work it or I find something else. If there were anything else.

There is nothing else other than the idea that I can either make it as an artist or find some full time job that would pay me a wage decent enough to keep the house with. The reality is that I never wanted to live a long in the house I'm in, it was suppose to become some hub of creativity in which people could come and go, enjoy books, enjoy exchanging ideas and just over all relax away from the chaotic world. With my break up, that never happened and now I'm essentially a poor person living beyond their means. Then again who isn't these days.

What upsets me if that the current reality being sold to me, by the internet, by the media, is that I Am poor and will always be poor unless I lie, cheat, steal or kill. Only the assholes seem to be making way. OR

I sell my body.

OR

Any hobby I have becomes a hustle.

OR

Be born white, male, and incompetent. That is somehow relatable and worthy of being a millionaire.

I don't really have much more of a ran in me other than, I'm tired. All I've ever wanted to do with my life is make art.

I've spent so much of my time working for other people, using all my great ideas and efforts for them, that most of the time there's nothing left in the tank for me.

I'm pretty angry about that, but perhaps not really. I'm more tired than anything, and too curious about the world to check out.

The only thing I know to do is Keep on, Keeping on. And somehow not yell at the people I do work for then when they nonchalantly tell me they lost 100k in the stock market while making a big deal over $59 luggage check because they put me on cheap flights that upcharge everything. I can't be mad at the people that have whatever leg up in life they were dealt.

I can be angry that apparently I'm so smart that I'm stupid and can't figure out this system. I can't figure out what to do that doesn't exploit others. When I was making a lot of money on the books, I had no time to myself and it depended on me keeping a system of subjugated people in order. That might be an exaggeration but I was a supervisor for a Casino.

I don't even want to think about the overall society and political events, sometimes it all feels like a fever dream. I'm really not that angry, perhaps a bit disappointed at the flow of things. The future is suppose to be this awesome place, and I'm living through the between bits. I may never see a car, or infinite power sources in my life time.

So what I'm going to do is, treat time a sacred, not be so angry, and put a pencil to paper.

Time is all I got going. The owners of the house can forgive paying rent a few time.