The Act of Being Kind
It's not September, the world is still the world and I'm beating off boredom fairly well. I've done some beating off and still in a position of needing to solve the practical world's issues, that of being a financially stable person. I know the economy is a harsh place, and right now it does not feel like a person such as myself has a place in it. I'm not making what falls in line, and of course I'm not moving fast enough on anything. Or people don't have money for my bullshit items. I never want to fall into this mindset set of "I'd be better off making fan art". I have to hold strong to somewhere there is a buyer that will like me for me and I won't have to sing and dance all over instagram just for one sale. I've been becoming more social, not that I was not social in the first place I just want being shoved around for the last two years now I have to catch back up. Diving my time between the fetish community well a different part of it and another part of the art community, one that I was technically in previously when I first got to Philly, graffiti/slaps. I just got back in and already managed to upset someone not because of art but because of this phantom girl code. I loathe most men but I still have my own views about autonomy and personal information. If someone tells you something in confidant, that means you hold a place in trust with that person, that's something hard to have these days. And if that information becomes your currency to try to buy the friendship of others, that's fucked up, especially if you're adding your own little twist to the story. Whatever happens in most of the world is none of my business, but when I'm the ear a person chooses, and they aren't familiar with who I know and don't know, likely I will make an inquiry. I think my reason this round was a bit more biased but honestly it wasn't. I thought really hard, I thought back once again to Ed Piskor and how a lack of completely information was about to end his life in an instant. Maybe I am too sensitive but I am also a victim of abuse, I'm comforted those parts of myself years ago, there are too many actual villains in the world to just make up one as we see fit.
And what of the victims, there are victims such as myself and then we get into this complicated web of what is even a victim. I want to say with full chest, some people are just straight up lying to manipulate the world around them. This is why I've been brutally honest even if I do not look good or if I feel some embarrassment. It has been better to not have anything heavy looming on me.
The first half of this entry I wrote this morning and left it and now I'm writing the rest as I'm retiring to bed. I was finishing up the movie "The Bride" as I was working on this EL Bunny Sculpt, I'm getting a better stride on it, so next week I can possibly do the test prints. The first half of the entry I can't say that's the definitive truth for not getting a response so far, and I'm just going to leave it and I don't actually loathe most men, I don't even loathe most people. I had a long chat with my mother today and I told her I appreciated all she has done for me and I understand her interactions with people just that much more. I understand her solitude by choice and how she chooses the company she keeps. This is important.
So I had this sorta vision, I can't recall if it was part of a dream or when I was doing breathing exercises, but it was this square blocking out a light, I've been feeling my body and brain being disconnected but by body I think I really mean my heart. And today, after talking with my mom, after getting the problems with my roommate solved, after just putting some focus in the right place, and making a few bits of change just but sticking to my world, I feel I am reconnecting with myself. The first lesson is to never let anyone distract from me. It doesn't mean I can't continue to be kind or do for others but I can't fall into discomfort so that someone can be comfortable, I need to speak up no matter the result. It won't always allow me to keep people in my life, I am not responsible for anyone other than me. Secondly, getting back to the notion of love. I can love and it's okay to love and admire. That doesn't mean a relationship, maybe not even friendship, but I want to be able to hold onto being kind and compassionate.
Third, I can get mad. I don't want to get mad at anything mediocre. I want to save that energy for something that matters, something I'm passionate about. If I'm going to have beef, it's going to be the most delicious variety.
I have written this before, I'm over my ex. But today my mom pointed out something, I'm trying to remember her exact words, I said that so much I've done over the last 4 years was connected to him and she corrected for me. She said things happened because of me, the cool things because I'm the one that did them and he never lifted a finger. It's why he could so easily throw away everything. He didn't care unless someone else did it for him. Something along that line.
She then pointed out how I recently made something and it happened because of me.
I have been giving myself more praise these days or taking the compliments. Ones about my looks are okay, but I like the ones about my demeanor. I keep thinking I'm coming off as this crazy person whose speech is just too much. I don't want to change it. But it's just reminding me of that moment when I was talking at the Gallery I had on South Street, the first time you realize people are listening to what you're saying is a very interesting feeling. It makes you very aware. This is just a blog.
Lastly Ha, I was going to continue my "Nobody's Girlfriend" sorta thing. I can open up to the idea of romance again someday, maybe even love, but I am setting the impossible standard. I was chatting with a friend about this, my problem is that I always broke my standards when it came to men, and it has already been the third time, I did not like it, I won't break it again. I am looking good, feeling good, I don't wany anymore to break that. I don't want them to change to fit me, I'm not going to change to fit them. If we almost match, that's not good enough lol. IT DOES NOT COST ANYTHING TO BE KIND
If you are spending, you're not being kind to yourself.
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