That feeling you can't do anything about

I just finished packaging up some figures, I had a customer pick up their prints earlier today, now it's the task of cleaning up so I can get ready to leave to work around Monday. It's Friday night, my roommate went to a show, I could have gone but I felt finishing my home work between today and tomorrow would be more beneficial. Before she left she sent me something I would consider non-sense about her best friend having a work fling and the guy immediately obsessing over her. I didn't find it funny or amusing, just I was already being told about the messiness of the friend's relationship, the baby trapping, and generally hearing the criticisms of my roommate towards her friend. I know we're all terrible adults but this just felt dangerous and somehow the two are always dealing with retarded men. I've had my final hoorah with my ex and after attempting to aid my roommate and getting yelled at over some dumb guy, I don't have much to say, I don't know why she thought I would get any amusement out of it, I voiced my disapproval because there's nothing I can do for women who are so bored they find excitement in subpar men.

Now that the house is silent, my roommate left probably mad at me, and it's a nice warm Friday night, I'm not broke, I could go somewhere. Yet...

Today, the man I am just in a casual fling with, the most surface level FWB asked me for a favor, it was fulfilled and he admitted to a something I asked him about early on. Essentially I asked him about it, he said he was natural, and I believed it. I wanted to know in case of unexplained behaviors. In his case, the one time I let him spend the night, he had a nightmare so badly he almost mistook me for the criminal in his dream, he almost choked me out, well he woke up before any pressure could be applied but I was polite about it, I figured some form of PTSD due to his job or some BS. But now knowing he's on gear, I'm annoyed. People can be messy or on drugs or doing whatever they want but my problem is affecting the autonomy of others. In both cases of my roommate and this man, untold truths or stupid actions result in an effect on me and I have to decide what to do about it. It's enough I almost want nothing to do with either.

And I came to this earlier today, once the house went silence, once I applied the last staple to the packaging, in that moment, when I had no one to text or talk to, no one to go with on a friday night, my standards or having standards with enviably mean that I will have more moments like this. But I have to decide what I am willing and unwilling to put up with these days, every time I lowered my expectations, it affected my autonomy.

I am thinking, it's worth the silence so as long as I don't have to live in a repetitive cycle. My goal will ultimately to make my own Friday night, full of debauchery and adventure, with the people I like being around. It's worth the solitude to fulfill your own needs. I'm still young.